Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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