so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
