The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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