I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
