Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
