who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize