so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
