New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
