he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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