Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
