I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
