Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
