just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
