Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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