I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
