You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
