I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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