Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This baby is an asshole
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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