u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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