I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
