too bad you live with your parents still
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
