Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
