hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
