OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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