I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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