Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
