I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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