dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
