I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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