Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize