God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
