A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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