i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
