why im i the only drunk person in the library?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
