pop tarts are not kleenex
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
