Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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