Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
