im having a threesome with these popsicles
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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