things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
