i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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