You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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