I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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