Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
