Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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