When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
