Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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