He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize