If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
