I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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