This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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