Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
