They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
