dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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