i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
