There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
